Home Alone

I'm having trouble sleeping yet another night... so I thought I would come and hang out here for awhile.  Maybe I will bore myself to sleep. 

I am struggling a little tonight with some jealousy.  Random right?  It actually surprises me a little.  This is something with which I have I not struggled much.  If any of you reading this know me personally, you know my where life has been and is.  So all things considered, I really have not battled this much, albeit odd. 

I think the catalyst is seeing some of the people around me having what used to be mine.  Being married to your best friend, the one who would die for you.  The one who lays beside you, laughing at the truly dumbest things together; and the one who lays beside you who holds you while you cry together.  Convincing the children you are going upstairs to take a Sunday afternoon "nap".  Sharing inside jokes that no one else in the room gets but the two of you.  Still being friends... while having them walk through the hell of life with you... that's what I envy the most right now... even if it's a hell created by the one of you, you still get to walk it out together.  There is power in that... there is power in being together.  I really miss together. 

It's not all of the feelings of romantic love that I miss, while great, those have a shelf life, in any relationship.  It is that place of just knowing someone else has your back...always.  That at the end of a really bad day, you get to end it with someone you love and who loves you back.  Being with the person whose footsteps you know; whose cough, laugh,and even sniff, you would know without hesitation.  It's being together even with other couples or families and getting to go home together and share the memories of those times.  It is getting to watch and hear some pretty neat stuff with your children and share the memories of the moments... together.  I find myself having to fight through these feelings as I watch husbands usher their wives out of church with children in tow... leaving together;  as I walk out to my minivan (a family vehicle) and sink into the dreaded driver's seat... alone.  I really miss together.  

I had a close friend confide in me recently about some frustrations of their, just under 20 year, marriage.  This friend shared about, what I would describe as, the mundane and menial things that are very common at that length marriage.  May I propose, that those things that would be considered mundane, menial, common, maybe even at times boring, are the very things that provide safety, security and on some level, comfort... why? Because they are being done together.   Embrace it.  Cherish it.  Be intentional.  Make memories... together.  You are living in the days that you will talk about for the rest of your life, should you get the gift of longevity.  I am telling you, on this side... alone... is far worse than together.