Not Bad Lookin' For a Fat Chic

This post will be short and sweet... ok, mostly short.  I have come to the conclusion that I have become so much more sinister, cynical and negative than I ever wanted be.  I'm going to spend some more time with Daddy to get to the root of it.  I hate it.  Primarily, because I see it present its ugly head most often toward my children.  Rather than looking for the best, I simply seem to see only the worst.   The most hideous thing about that is (gulp) I have become much to quick to point it out.

I am going to do what I do NOT want to do here... confess.  (It is always so much worse when you have to actually say it.)  Let me give you an example.  As soon as my oldest, teenage daughter got into the van after school, the very first words out of my mouth were, "Is that really what you wore to school today? Why don't you care how sloppy that looks?" She just rolled her eyes.  Mind you, she was completed covered.  Nothing inappropriate- for which I should be (and am) glad.  I have other friends with quite the opposite problem. But it didn't end there.  I went on. (Bigger gulp.) "Did you even wash your mascara off last night before bed... it's all running under your eyes." She turned her head away from me and just stared out the window.  What's wrong with me??

Part of me justifies my actions. Deplorable as they may be.  I know people treat you differently depending on how you look... I know this by experience.  I was treated one way as an obese woman (that's a whole other blog); but quite differently when I got smaller; from people at the mall to people at church.  It's true. 

Let me digress for a moment.  Just a couple of weeks ago I was in a conversation with some very close friends of mine.  They confronted me about something I had done/said in relationship to the husband.  I asked them if what I did and said would have been seen differently, if one: I were in a healthy marriage; two: if I was still fat.  The answer? YES.  I could have done and said the EXACT same thing and the response would have just been, "Oh, that's just Steffanie."  They literally admitted this to me. How I looked factored into how even some of my closest adult friends, treated me or responded to my interaction with them.  It matters.

How do I balance this unfortunate reality, with the efforts of teaching my girls to not allow what others think of them to affect who they are... but it does.  (I have now gone in a completely different direction than first I intended here.)  But the question is one that continues to push to the forefront with me.  How do I balance this for myself.  I used to, almost  obsessively, never leave the house without makeup.  When you are obese, people make assumptions about you; you are lazy, undisciplined, and a slob.  I worked to counteract these stereotypes.  If you are being honest, if a skinny girl walks into Walmart with a holey sweatshirt and sweatpants, you probably won't even notice her.  But if a woman (or man for that matter) walked in wearing the same thing at 250 pounds, those assumptions begin to cross your mind.  They have mine.  So I fought to be the "cute" "big" girl; by what I wore, and never being seen without makeup. I wish I could give you a count of how many times I heard, "You have such a pretty face." FYI- we "big" girls KNOW what that really means: "You're not bad looking for a fat chic."  I'm not just being funny here.  Have you ever heard that said, or thought it, about a skinny girl? Have you ever heard someone say to a thin woman "You have such a pretty face"? Yeah, me either.  It matters.

I have a lot more freedom in how I look... do I want to present myself well? Sure.  But it doesn't drive me like it used to.  I prefer to wear my makeup, but I don't stress if I am "caught" without it.  I wear sweatpants, holey jeans and grungy work shirts.  Would I still do that if I were obese? I don't know.  But I know I am beginning to care less what others think of me... or am I now just transferring that to what others think of my daughter? Ugh.

I am sure I will continue to revisit this issue... it is too cyclical to not.  Until then, I am going to work at God's instruction to "...encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today...".  You know what, my daughter looked...um, uh... comfortable! Yeah, comfortable.  Comfortable in her own skin... I want to be like her when I grow up.