Private Ponderings (well, kinda)

I am sitting in a “park”… should be working, I know.  However, I am thoroughly distracted by the ponderings of my own hypocrisy.  I have preached, exhorted, encouraged, even demanded of people that I love, to “take their thoughts captive”.  Yet, I feel as though my own feeble attempts to do so are like trying to lasso the wind.  Tell me I am not alone in this.  Why can I not seem to walk out the very thing I have “sermonized” so many times?  I have not been without victory in this… so why is this SO hard now?

I have come to the point in my life where I despise my own humanity.  I know these are things as Christians we are not say out loud, but I am so over that… I told a friend recently that I believed part of my calling was to speak life, abundant life into others.  How could I possibly speak into someone what I cannot seem to live out?  I KNOW that Jesus has and wants more for me… I KNOW that… but my heart cannot seem to grasp this.  It is as if everything I have ever learned has been thrown out the proverbial window…

As one who often operates within my intellect, I am finding it increasingly difficult to know what to do with all of the questions of the heart that cannot be “answered”.  If I were looking at myself and my circumstances from the outside, I would know exactly how I would counsel me.   Let me try to articulate what I mean. I would say, “You have legs… I know you don’t feel like you do, but you do.  Now on that truth, get up and walk.”   I get that.  But somewhere I must not really believe my legs, if I still have them, will really allow me to walk… or is it that I don’t believe that walking will really be better than not walking.  Am I making any sense at all?

Please do not leave me any comments about how I need to quit trying to “figure it out”.  I am really quite tired of hearing people tell me that… it is part of how I am wired. Deal with it. (Sorry, that was a little harsh.)  I need a safe place to just be honest about where I am… right now, that place is here.

Whoever you are, wherever you are… thanks for “listening”.