Free Falling

I really should not be posting right now... I am not in the frame of mind that will express encouragement to others.  However, this is MY blog and I need to "talk" but I really don't want to talk to anyone.  Does that make sense?  To those of you who are external processors, you get me.

This has been a really bad day...  it's been hard all week actually, but it has gotten progressively worse; today it peaked (I hope).  My life circumstances have remained essentially the same.  But I have had to face some minor set-backs.  I have had to deal with yet another issue of betrayal and deceit from someone close to me. I have been home most of the week (our office has been closed) trying to get caught up on some things; I am now thoroughly disgusted with myself for not accomplishing that.  Yet, I cannot discern any one "thing" that has provoked me.  It is the culmination of things I suppose. 

I wish I could completely describe all that I am feeling... all that is weighing so heavily... It doesn't even seem to be in my mind, it is like a deep, intense agitation of the soul.  Ok, so to be completely confessional, of course some of it I have battled in my mind and heart, but it seems to go even deeper. 

I have made some really bad choices in the not so distant past... unthinkable, actually.  While I know there has been genuine repentance and forgiveness, I can't help but think that part of what I may be experiencing is some residual effect of my sin. 

I received a text today that said, "Being a Christian doesn't mean I won't fall... it means Jesus will catch me when I do..."  Well, I have fallen and I now I feel like I am free falling.  

I am surrounded by incredible friends and family... incredible; but I feel SO alone.  I want to stop falling, Jesus...  I want to be caught and then held by You.  Oh, that You could lay beside me and have arms to wrap around me until I fell asleep...  I want to feel covered... protected... safe... accepted... cherished...

I'm tired... I don't want to be in the driver's seat anymore.  I want to be led into righteousness.  Is it time yet, Father? Are we almost there?  How much longer, Daddy?

I know I am to be more than a conqueror, but today, this Warrior is a child...