Silent Night

I had a voice mail this morning, that after just a few words (one which was my name), it cut off/out. I hated it... no, truly hate it.  


Silence is the silent killer...


Anyone that knows me knows that I am anything and maybe everything except silent.  To NOT speak is a level of personal hell to me... not even for the reasons that some may think either.  


I have had times were I have been 'called' to remain silent... I am in one such time.  It feels SO cold, heartless and worse, unloving; I fear, at the deepest levels, what it communicates to those most affected by it; yet I know it is what Jesus is asking of me... even requiring of me, if I truly love and desire freedom for all.


I have a list, a rather long list actually, of all the 'pros' that would reason avoiding this silent place... some really good things. But the list of why I MUST, has 13 'Pros' on it; and at the top of that list is the name Jesus... it is for these 13 'Pros', and these ALONE, that I will stand in silence.  There is an actual physical ache in my heart as I write these words...


My heart is ANYTHING but cold... it is bleeding actually.  But  my Papa had promised to be near and bind up the broken-hearted; I am choosing with my will and HIS strength to take Him at His word... 


Papa, I believe, but the pain is SO great... I am begging that You help me in my unbelief.  I NEED You to be everything You promised to be... and I'm not sure that I have the strength to go seeking; so even the strength I need to seek You, I ask, in Your abundant grace and mercy, to give me. 


I can NOT do this in my own strength... 


I am Yours... every broken, shattered piece of mess... 


If in the absolute hell of this silent place You bring freedom to ALL and glorify Yourself, then I shall remain... silent.