I probably shouldn't even be on here... it is really not good (for others) when I am in, what a friend would call, this "place". But I need the outlet so either bare with me or feel free to leave...
Today was Mother's Day... I LOVE being a mother, especially to the three Gifts with which I have been blessed. However, it still felt incomplete... As I watched husbands celebrate their wives (as well they should), it becomes another reminder of not having "together". (Have I mentioned that I love together?) My husband was always very good about Mother's Day... It was one day that he not only celebrated me as a mom, but he celebrated and appreciated "me". We were "Mommy AND Daddy"... we were a family. I LOVE being a family. I have always had a passion for my family... intense passion. There is now a deep void...
It "feels" sub-standard... one mommy & children, no daddy. You know what? It IS sub-standard. It is NOT God's standard. It is NOT His heart for our family... I think that this is part of the "violence" that God describes in Malachi regarding divorce. The violent tearing at the heart and the soul of all those involved, but most wickedly, for the innocent children involved... oh, how my heart breaks.
I feel incredibly lonely (in good part by my own doing)... everyone is so busy living their lives while I feel, at best, "stalled". It's as though everyone around me is just buzzing with "life" as I am spending most of my days barely keeping my head above water... some days, I'd rather just sink.
This is not who I am... I am not, nor have been, one prone to great sadness. Yet, it seems to have consumed me as of late. I have had moments of great happiness, but even those must no longer be...
Because God is good I know He will not leave me here, but I must confess I have little strength, if any, to get up and walk away from it, if that is what He is asking of me.
I miss feeling alive... I don't mind that I have been broken (in SO many ways and on SO many levels), in fact I have been grateful for it; but I feel like there have been things stripped away from me that are a part of who I am. I feel like there are places in me that have died that were never intended to die...
I feel like I am wandering around with open wounds, only half alive...
I KNOW this is not God's plan for me. I KNOW He loves me too much to leave me this way...
Fill me Jesus... make me hunger and thirst for YOU ALONE... come and fill the emptiness, the void... renew my passion & joy for living... I miss me. Find me again... for my good and Your glory.
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