Father's Day Pre-Season

I probably shouldn't even be on here... it is really not good (for others) when I am in, what a friend would call, this "place".  But I need the outlet so either bare with me or feel free to leave...


Today was Mother's Day... I LOVE being a mother, especially to the three Gifts with which I have been blessed.  However, it still felt incomplete... As I watched husbands celebrate their wives (as well they should), it becomes another reminder of not having "together".  (Have I mentioned that I love together?) My husband was always very good about Mother's Day... It was one day that he not only celebrated me as a mom, but he celebrated and appreciated "me". We were "Mommy AND Daddy"... we were a family. I LOVE being  a family.  I have always had a passion for my family... intense passion.  There is now a deep void...


It "feels" sub-standard... one mommy & children, no daddy. You know what? It IS sub-standard.  It is NOT God's standard.  It is NOT His heart for our family... I think that this is part of the "violence" that God describes in Malachi regarding divorce. The violent tearing at the heart and the soul of all those involved, but most wickedly, for the innocent children involved... oh, how my heart breaks.


I feel incredibly lonely (in good part by my own doing)... everyone is so busy living their lives while I feel, at best, "stalled".  It's as though everyone around me is just buzzing with "life" as I am spending most of my days barely keeping my head above water... some days, I'd rather just sink.  


This is not who I am... I am not, nor have been, one prone to great sadness.  Yet, it seems to have consumed me as of late.  I have had moments of great happiness, but even those must no longer be... 


Because God is good I know He will not leave me here, but I must confess I have little strength, if any, to get up and walk away from it, if that is what He is asking of me.


I miss feeling alive... I don't mind that I have been broken (in SO many ways and on SO many levels), in fact I have been grateful for it; but I feel like there have been things stripped away from me that are a part of who I am.  I feel like there are places in me that have died that were never intended to die... 


I feel like I am wandering around with open wounds, only half alive... 


I KNOW this is not God's plan for me. I KNOW He loves me too much to leave me this way...


Fill me Jesus... make me hunger and thirst for YOU ALONE... come and fill the emptiness, the void... renew my passion & joy for living... I miss me.  Find me again... for my good and Your glory.

The Best Job

I have done a lot of complaining lately about flying solo with this parenting thing...

It is HARD, the hardest thing I have ever done...

BUT... I LOVE being a mom. 

Thank you, Jesus for the precious gift of my beautiful girls... truly.

It is Not Well With My Soul

I was told all is well...  all is not well.  

My heart is so broken I find it hard to breath...

I will keep moving... 

Because while I am not able, my God is...

But today, all is NOT well...

Re-Re-Run (Not Special Olympics)

I was going back through my blog, as I sometimes do, and read one from a couple of years ago... I am both encouraged and discouraged... Encouraged because I know I am still standing (sort of); discouraged because I see how little my life has actually changed and the pain in which I still find myself.  I have copied and pasted part of one of those posts because it describes so clearly where I am... once again. "
                           
                                            "I am so thankful for the "good" days...the days filled with faith, hope, perseverance and strength. I am thankful because the "bad" ones can be really bad. I have had some of these lately. These are the days where all is tested...where you are actually making conscience decisions to take in air...where every ounce of energy is being used just to hold your head in an upright position. Will I hold on one more day? Can I bear anymore? There sits before me the contending of hope and heartache, the clashing of perseverance and pain, and ultimately the collision of faith and fear... Yet, when I choose to let go, when my choice is to trust Him, in the sweetness of surrender He takes my hand and leads me besides still waters, He makes me to lie down in the greenest of pastures and He restores my soul...I shall not want anything but more of Him."


I pray that Jesus will strengthen me to let go and trust Him in surrender... and that it will, indeed be sweet.  Take my hand, Jesus, and lead me beside still waters; lay me down, Lover of my soul, in the fresh, living pastures, where You will stand me to my feet, hand in Yours, walking barefoot through the plush grass and in those moments find peace; RESTORE my soul that I may not want ANY thing but more of You...


Jesus, pursue me with Your goodness and unfailing love, to the place where I respond overwhelmed by it, all the days of my life... that I will live in the house of the Lord and shall want for nothing... for I have been satisfied by You.

Silent Night

I had a voice mail this morning, that after just a few words (one which was my name), it cut off/out. I hated it... no, truly hate it.  


Silence is the silent killer...


Anyone that knows me knows that I am anything and maybe everything except silent.  To NOT speak is a level of personal hell to me... not even for the reasons that some may think either.  


I have had times were I have been 'called' to remain silent... I am in one such time.  It feels SO cold, heartless and worse, unloving; I fear, at the deepest levels, what it communicates to those most affected by it; yet I know it is what Jesus is asking of me... even requiring of me, if I truly love and desire freedom for all.


I have a list, a rather long list actually, of all the 'pros' that would reason avoiding this silent place... some really good things. But the list of why I MUST, has 13 'Pros' on it; and at the top of that list is the name Jesus... it is for these 13 'Pros', and these ALONE, that I will stand in silence.  There is an actual physical ache in my heart as I write these words...


My heart is ANYTHING but cold... it is bleeding actually.  But  my Papa had promised to be near and bind up the broken-hearted; I am choosing with my will and HIS strength to take Him at His word... 


Papa, I believe, but the pain is SO great... I am begging that You help me in my unbelief.  I NEED You to be everything You promised to be... and I'm not sure that I have the strength to go seeking; so even the strength I need to seek You, I ask, in Your abundant grace and mercy, to give me. 


I can NOT do this in my own strength... 


I am Yours... every broken, shattered piece of mess... 


If in the absolute hell of this silent place You bring freedom to ALL and glorify Yourself, then I shall remain... silent.

Heart Cry

Jesus, You continue to amaze me with Your unwavering, tenacious patience. Outside of Your love, it is Your patience that continues to truly awe me.  I want to see Your heart for me and not the pain of this life. May I see YOUR plan for me clearly and vividly. Cause me to desire it above my plans.  I know what I think is best for me (or rather, what I think I want)... but I also know that You have said my heart deceives me. Cause me to want what You want for me...  

You have said Your plans are to prosper me... change what I think prospering looks like. Deliver me from the plans of the enemy. Severe those things in my life which do not bring You glory... this is SO hard, even painful, to pray tonight.  Jesus, I am in FACT, desperate for You whether I recognize it, or "feel" it.  

Grant me the gift of repentance and Godly sorrow...  Transform me into Your likeness for YOUR glory, not mine.  Remind me, often, that apart from You I can do nothing. Give me a heart for YOU and YOU ALONE.  You alone are worthy... cause me to KNOW my need to surrender. Deliver me from me.  Cause me to trust that Your heart is toward me.  You ARE good... remind me often.  Show me that You ARE, indeed, enough; that Your grace is sufficient. 

In Your goodness, cover me in grace and an abundance of mercy... I can NOT do this without You.  I do not know how to start over... I haven't a clue what that even means or looks like. I know that it is You I need as my husband, best friend and lover. How will You do this? I believe, but help me in my unbelief.

In many ways, I feel like I am even starting over with You. Take what I thought I knew of You, seal what is true, and change my mind about ANYthing that is not... deliver me from any and all deceptions.  Show me things with which I have come into agreement that are not of or from You; and then give me the strength and courage to break them by the power of Your name.  Take my unthinkable sins and redeem them, somehow.  Heal and restore relationships that You want healed and restored.

Cause me to know, desire and then walk in truth... I want to worship You in spirit and in truth, with a pure and clean heart.  Wash me that I might be whiter than snow. 

Give me Your grace, forgiveness and patience, that I may give grace, forgiveness, and patience to those who may not/will not extend the same to me...

One thing I ask, one thing I seek: I want to dwell in the house of the Lord forever...

I bring these things to You, in the ONLY name in which there is grace, power, and true love: Jesus.