I Don't Believe in the Power of Prayer

I haven't been here for years…it was time to come back. (I am posting this here because it may solicit a debate on FB in which I have no desire to engage.)

I saw the movie War Room this weekend. It has been ALL the rage; especially among my Christian friends, and understandably so. I am incredibly encouraged that it has reached the masses as it has. We NEED movies about hope...strength...fighting a battle we cannot see with our eyes...and primarily, ones that glorify the name of Jesus!

But….I am struggling.

I had a very different story.

I prayed as the wife character Liz prayed. I fought. I declared. I wept. I proclaimed. I battled. I memorized and quoted scripture. I marched. I shouted. I fasted. I had prayer vigils with faithful friends. I had the faith of a saint. I even lost friends for a season, because they didn’t come into agreement with my faith.  I did these things for hours at a time...for weeks...for months...and then YEARS. I heard only a few personal stories of those that prayed and fought as I did. I, too had a literal prayer closet and a prayer chair.

However, my circumstances did not change...in fact, they worsened.

Where was my salvation? My deliverance? My restoration? My redemption? My reward? My good God??  I did all the “right” things. I walked out all that I’d been taught. I put my faith in action.

There are two underlying suppositions expressed in this movie with which I have contention.

The first being, that somehow our prayers and faith will trump human freewill. Those for whom we pray, have a choice. If they do not CHOOSE to surrender themselves to the Lord and His will, then it will not be forced upon them.

My second concern lies within the premise that WE have the power to perform our way into moving God’s hand. This was (is) a difficult theological lesson to learn.

Did you notice how many “I”s were in those actions? Oh, please know, with the Lord as my witness, that my heart was pure. I was praying according to His will. I was not consciously trying to manipulate God or simply requesting Him to remove the pain. I look at that season of my life (and dare I suggest, many of yours) and see how I was striving to “activate” my faith….soliciting a move of the hand of God. That’s what we’re taught to do, right? But, Beloveds, that’s magic.  He is not a genie in a bottle that if we rub it hard enough, and often enough, He’ll grant our wishes.

Do I really believe that, if I only had more faith….only prayed harder…..fasted just one more day, THEN He would have finally moved? What about persecuted Christians, that for CENTURIES, have cried out to God to only find torture and death? What of those that prayed for healing for themselves or loved ones that died anyway or lived a horrific quality of life?  What of loved ones, whose lives were taken or took their own...the list is almost endless.

If I truly believe that my faith or prayers could have been more fervent, than I am believing my answers to prayers are contingent upon ME and MY right standing. There is a word for that: self-righteousness. I have to believe that God must have favorites...that He’ll do for some and not for others.

In a place of full disclosure, my faith was shaken to the core. Was God a personal God? Did He really see and care? Was He really….....good?

My 20 year marriage ended, my heart shattered, my family divided, my house was taken, my reputation tainted, my ministry gone, my dreams vanquished, I began making sinful choices and worst of all, my innocent children’s lives had been devastated….my prayers unanswered...even seemingly unheard.

At this point, you may be wondering if I now think prayer is pointless. The simple answer is, no.

Please hear me, I BELIEVE the Lord heard me. I believe He wept with me. I believe He moved on my behalf. I believe He set things into motion to restore my marriage and my family...but again, see the freewill response. I have NO doubt that my cries moved the HEART of God.

I still do not know, why things that I believed to be words of knowledge, prophetic words even, did not manifest. I still have times of wondering if all those hours, turned into years, were wasted.  But two things encourage me: Jesus asked Peter if He believed He was the Son of God and Peter simply responded, “If You’re not [the Savior, Messiah, my salvation] where else would I go?” I confess, I too have had times when I’ve simply resigned myself to His Lordship. He’s been the only thing that has satisfied my soul. And lastly, Job encourages me. God NEVER answered ONE question of Job’s. He merely asked Job more questions. When Job’s eyes were opened to the vastness of Who God was (is), he became satisfied with no answers. I have learned (am still learning) to become satisfied with no, or partial, answers on this side of heaven. I have learned to seek Truth, not just answers.

I have come to believe that the GREATEST benefit of prayer is to better know the HEART of God… that it is a time spent to connect with Him. A place where He loves on me, enabling me to love the unlovable. He receives, accepts, and forgives me, that I may do the same. He comforts me and fills me with peace and joy. It’s where He strengthens me and gives me courage to fight my daily battles. He encourages and inspires me, therefore equipping me to bring more Heaven to Earth. It’s that place I go to hear Him speak to me about who I am, thereby finding my identity. It’s where He guides me, directs me and gives me wisdom for my daily dealings. I go to a War Room to fight a war for my own heart, that it may not become hardened or bitter.  I seek His counsel to guide my children...I ask my loving Father to do all these things for them as well. I still pray for their father...and ask Him to send people that will speak life into him...that he too, would be compelled to find a War Room to war for his heart and know his identity as a son to a Loving Father.  I have the spirit of a warrior. So I still fight, but it looks incredibly different since my Great Awakening.

I do not believe in the power of prayer… I believe in the power of the One to Whom I pray.

Papa God, may I learn, deeper still, to trust more in Your identity than Your activity.

Dear Friend

I received a text from a sweet friend today concerned about me, and with a desire to "help".  Rather than respond in a long text,  I have informed them  to look here for my response, so please forgive my personal response.

"You are a sweet friend... I figured my blog was kind of "hidden" anymore. :) Sometimes I say much more than I should (go figure).  I appreciate greatly your desire to not be, as you said "happy plastic people". 

You are correct in your observation that I have not been myself recently;  I have not shared in Sunday School because the list would long and there is still that "trust" issue. You asked what someone could do (or has done) to break trust with me.  Oh, the list is long.  (But to be fair, I too have done my own horrific share of breaking trust with others.)  

But to answer your question specifically, I have shared things in confidence with other people, that were "passed on in the interest of all"; had people overreact to things I've shared and acted out on those overreactions; some of my "confessions" have been met with anger, judgment & a lack of grace and acceptance of my human frailty. I have been boldly lied to, betrayed, deceived, manipulated, misled, misrepresented and even hung out to dry.

I am, by nature, a very trusting person.  I want to believe people are good at their core; that intentions are pure. Thereby, the worst of this mistrust is, that in some of these occurrences,  I feel taken advantage of in the worst possible way... if you will allow me with what may feel like overly dramatic wording, it feels like an emotional raping.

I have attempted to love well and be a friend with fierce loyalty.  While I am FAR from perfect, I love deeply and passionately.  I HATE to disappoint or frustrate people... and some people that know that about me, use that for personal gain or self-interest. I have been perpetually rejected, yet cannot seem to put appropriate boundaries in place because it doesn't "feel" loving... ugh.

Also, most people don't REALLY know me... not because I try to hide it necessarily, but because most people do not know how to handle the other "parts" of who I am.  I am a multi-faceted person, not just the "Sunday morning Steffanie" that people perceive or think they know.  It is not that I am not that person, it is just not the "whole" me.  It is impossible to truly know someone without spending a good bit of time with them.  I have dealt with misperceptions of who I am my whole life, I am used to that; it is the conclusions/determinations that people have made about who they think I am, that hurt me.

I am a deep thinker, which at times makes me quiet & reflective (understandably, most people do not believe this).  I can be quite emotional, easily moved, and yet not openly demonstrative; because I learned years ago, that people overreacted or due to their inability to know how to respond to me, thereby creating an uncomfortable atmosphere for all. 

People have the expectation that I am always "up"... It has been my identity, my "job" even, to keep people encouraged, happy & laughing, which is indeed a part of me & one part of me that I love, but again, it is not all of me. Therefore, if I am not walking in that part of my identity, others are uncertain about how to interact with me, so typically they just don't. 

I do posses enough self awareness that I also know I tend to be an "in-the-moment" person.  This is both a strength and a weakness.  When I am "in the moment" with someone, I am completely "there", passionately, intimately, with genuine care and interest.  But then I move into the next "moment", consequently creating a perception of inaccessibility. Many have interpreted this as a lack of sincerity, or an "act" when I was in the moment with them, and as a result, they feel rejected or forgotten by me.  I then become labeled, not as caring or encouraging, but as phony or disingenuous in my interactions with people; doing the VERY thing I hate most- disappointing/hurting people.  I recognize this does not have an obvious relationship to my trust issues, but it is a place where my motives are constantly in question and makes me feel "on guard" with others perceptions of me.

Thank you for your willingness to be my friend...  one of the things I do not do well is ask for help.  Not because I am unwilling or too prideful, but mostly because I am not even sure to ask for... make sense?  I look forward to the day when I can once again, walk hand in hand with my best friend, where whatever I need is just known...even if, maybe especially if, I can't articulate it.


With much love and appreciation,
Steffanie

SOS

I will not be here long... it's late and I should be sleeping, but once again I find my mind with the inability to shut itself off.  I need advice... I cannot seem to "will" myself to do anything.  I don't know if I have fallen into some kind of depression, but I just feel paralyzed- occupationally, in my household, emotionally, even spiritually.  I don't want or need "pat" answers.  I need help... my hand being taken and walked through (with patience, boldness, acceptance and grace) whatever I need to do.  I have been on a waiting list since April to see a counselor but she has still had no openings.  I do not want to go to anyone else because I have some pretty real trust issues.  

I have an INCREDIBLE family, but I feel SO alone... I want someone to walk WITH me through this- whatever "this" is. I have had a terrible day of missing past friendships... scary bad actually.  I cannot (nor for others) afford to make emotional choices.  I have had people advise me to use "diversion" tactics, but those do not heal the heart.  

So what do I do?  Work harder? Be still more? Love less? Love more? Pray harder? Run away? Not with "right/ religious" answers, but help me friend... anyone?

Normal?

I am sitting at my sister's house listening to the rain fall as all of the children play downstairs.  I've been on the computer for awhile trying to avoid coming here actually.  I ended up going through my "google history" from the last, almost ten months.  It's amazing the flood of memories that came rushing back.  Some good, some not so much... but intensely emotional, nonetheless.  (*One of the of things that made me giggle was (were?) the number of words that I had to "look up".  I've been challenged in many ways since the beginning of this year and my vocabulary was one of them!)

As I sit, I find myself pondering what my new "normal" is supposed to look like.  There is SO much upheaval and loss in my life and NOTHING is as it was... the grief of so much loss is almost paralyzing.  I don't even know where to begin...  

In discussion with a friend, who very recently lost his wife, he assured me, that although often "things" don't turn out the way we plan, hope, or even pray, that God is still our only hope and place in which to place our trust.  He prayed, even with belief that his wife would be healed... she wasn't. What did he miss?  What did he not understand?  Now what?  What does normal look like?

What I know, is that despite my grief and questions, there are people around me that are continuing to love God, staying faithful, and keep putting one foot in front of the other; with a hope and a faith in a GOOD plan for the their future, from a GOOD God. 

I haven't a CLUE where to go from here... what to do... and with/without whom; but my heart is still beating (although most days it feels like barely) and must assume I am to keep going... 

Broken

Maybe some things really are just better off left unsaid, so I do not say much here anymore... not sure if that is a good thing or bad.  It just is.  Typically broken hearts are just that- broken; thereby, broken words inevitably follow.  Who wants to listen to that?  I'm sorry to have become a disappointment to so many...

I love deeply... maybe too deeply... I confess, I wish I didn't for SO many reasons.  I wish I knew how to just "move on"; thought I was actually... sigh.

Jesus

JESUS, YESHUA, be my all in all... I NEED You. Show me it's You, and You alone I need above ALL things and ALL others.  Oh, how my heart hurts... I do NOT want to hurt ANY of Your children..

I'm running to Your arms... may the riches of Your love always be enough. Show my deceived heart, I pray. Oh, how I'm prone to wander... bring me home, Papa.

Your beloved child

Father's Day Pre-Season

I probably shouldn't even be on here... it is really not good (for others) when I am in, what a friend would call, this "place".  But I need the outlet so either bare with me or feel free to leave...


Today was Mother's Day... I LOVE being a mother, especially to the three Gifts with which I have been blessed.  However, it still felt incomplete... As I watched husbands celebrate their wives (as well they should), it becomes another reminder of not having "together".  (Have I mentioned that I love together?) My husband was always very good about Mother's Day... It was one day that he not only celebrated me as a mom, but he celebrated and appreciated "me". We were "Mommy AND Daddy"... we were a family. I LOVE being  a family.  I have always had a passion for my family... intense passion.  There is now a deep void...


It "feels" sub-standard... one mommy & children, no daddy. You know what? It IS sub-standard.  It is NOT God's standard.  It is NOT His heart for our family... I think that this is part of the "violence" that God describes in Malachi regarding divorce. The violent tearing at the heart and the soul of all those involved, but most wickedly, for the innocent children involved... oh, how my heart breaks.


I feel incredibly lonely (in good part by my own doing)... everyone is so busy living their lives while I feel, at best, "stalled".  It's as though everyone around me is just buzzing with "life" as I am spending most of my days barely keeping my head above water... some days, I'd rather just sink.  


This is not who I am... I am not, nor have been, one prone to great sadness.  Yet, it seems to have consumed me as of late.  I have had moments of great happiness, but even those must no longer be... 


Because God is good I know He will not leave me here, but I must confess I have little strength, if any, to get up and walk away from it, if that is what He is asking of me.


I miss feeling alive... I don't mind that I have been broken (in SO many ways and on SO many levels), in fact I have been grateful for it; but I feel like there have been things stripped away from me that are a part of who I am.  I feel like there are places in me that have died that were never intended to die... 


I feel like I am wandering around with open wounds, only half alive... 


I KNOW this is not God's plan for me. I KNOW He loves me too much to leave me this way...


Fill me Jesus... make me hunger and thirst for YOU ALONE... come and fill the emptiness, the void... renew my passion & joy for living... I miss me.  Find me again... for my good and Your glory.