Dear Friend

I received a text from a sweet friend today concerned about me, and with a desire to "help".  Rather than respond in a long text,  I have informed them  to look here for my response, so please forgive my personal response.

"You are a sweet friend... I figured my blog was kind of "hidden" anymore. :) Sometimes I say much more than I should (go figure).  I appreciate greatly your desire to not be, as you said "happy plastic people". 

You are correct in your observation that I have not been myself recently;  I have not shared in Sunday School because the list would long and there is still that "trust" issue. You asked what someone could do (or has done) to break trust with me.  Oh, the list is long.  (But to be fair, I too have done my own horrific share of breaking trust with others.)  

But to answer your question specifically, I have shared things in confidence with other people, that were "passed on in the interest of all"; had people overreact to things I've shared and acted out on those overreactions; some of my "confessions" have been met with anger, judgment & a lack of grace and acceptance of my human frailty. I have been boldly lied to, betrayed, deceived, manipulated, misled, misrepresented and even hung out to dry.

I am, by nature, a very trusting person.  I want to believe people are good at their core; that intentions are pure. Thereby, the worst of this mistrust is, that in some of these occurrences,  I feel taken advantage of in the worst possible way... if you will allow me with what may feel like overly dramatic wording, it feels like an emotional raping.

I have attempted to love well and be a friend with fierce loyalty.  While I am FAR from perfect, I love deeply and passionately.  I HATE to disappoint or frustrate people... and some people that know that about me, use that for personal gain or self-interest. I have been perpetually rejected, yet cannot seem to put appropriate boundaries in place because it doesn't "feel" loving... ugh.

Also, most people don't REALLY know me... not because I try to hide it necessarily, but because most people do not know how to handle the other "parts" of who I am.  I am a multi-faceted person, not just the "Sunday morning Steffanie" that people perceive or think they know.  It is not that I am not that person, it is just not the "whole" me.  It is impossible to truly know someone without spending a good bit of time with them.  I have dealt with misperceptions of who I am my whole life, I am used to that; it is the conclusions/determinations that people have made about who they think I am, that hurt me.

I am a deep thinker, which at times makes me quiet & reflective (understandably, most people do not believe this).  I can be quite emotional, easily moved, and yet not openly demonstrative; because I learned years ago, that people overreacted or due to their inability to know how to respond to me, thereby creating an uncomfortable atmosphere for all. 

People have the expectation that I am always "up"... It has been my identity, my "job" even, to keep people encouraged, happy & laughing, which is indeed a part of me & one part of me that I love, but again, it is not all of me. Therefore, if I am not walking in that part of my identity, others are uncertain about how to interact with me, so typically they just don't. 

I do posses enough self awareness that I also know I tend to be an "in-the-moment" person.  This is both a strength and a weakness.  When I am "in the moment" with someone, I am completely "there", passionately, intimately, with genuine care and interest.  But then I move into the next "moment", consequently creating a perception of inaccessibility. Many have interpreted this as a lack of sincerity, or an "act" when I was in the moment with them, and as a result, they feel rejected or forgotten by me.  I then become labeled, not as caring or encouraging, but as phony or disingenuous in my interactions with people; doing the VERY thing I hate most- disappointing/hurting people.  I recognize this does not have an obvious relationship to my trust issues, but it is a place where my motives are constantly in question and makes me feel "on guard" with others perceptions of me.

Thank you for your willingness to be my friend...  one of the things I do not do well is ask for help.  Not because I am unwilling or too prideful, but mostly because I am not even sure to ask for... make sense?  I look forward to the day when I can once again, walk hand in hand with my best friend, where whatever I need is just known...even if, maybe especially if, I can't articulate it.


With much love and appreciation,
Steffanie