Dear Friend

I received a text from a sweet friend today concerned about me, and with a desire to "help".  Rather than respond in a long text,  I have informed them  to look here for my response, so please forgive my personal response.

"You are a sweet friend... I figured my blog was kind of "hidden" anymore. :) Sometimes I say much more than I should (go figure).  I appreciate greatly your desire to not be, as you said "happy plastic people". 

You are correct in your observation that I have not been myself recently;  I have not shared in Sunday School because the list would long and there is still that "trust" issue. You asked what someone could do (or has done) to break trust with me.  Oh, the list is long.  (But to be fair, I too have done my own horrific share of breaking trust with others.)  

But to answer your question specifically, I have shared things in confidence with other people, that were "passed on in the interest of all"; had people overreact to things I've shared and acted out on those overreactions; some of my "confessions" have been met with anger, judgment & a lack of grace and acceptance of my human frailty. I have been boldly lied to, betrayed, deceived, manipulated, misled, misrepresented and even hung out to dry.

I am, by nature, a very trusting person.  I want to believe people are good at their core; that intentions are pure. Thereby, the worst of this mistrust is, that in some of these occurrences,  I feel taken advantage of in the worst possible way... if you will allow me with what may feel like overly dramatic wording, it feels like an emotional raping.

I have attempted to love well and be a friend with fierce loyalty.  While I am FAR from perfect, I love deeply and passionately.  I HATE to disappoint or frustrate people... and some people that know that about me, use that for personal gain or self-interest. I have been perpetually rejected, yet cannot seem to put appropriate boundaries in place because it doesn't "feel" loving... ugh.

Also, most people don't REALLY know me... not because I try to hide it necessarily, but because most people do not know how to handle the other "parts" of who I am.  I am a multi-faceted person, not just the "Sunday morning Steffanie" that people perceive or think they know.  It is not that I am not that person, it is just not the "whole" me.  It is impossible to truly know someone without spending a good bit of time with them.  I have dealt with misperceptions of who I am my whole life, I am used to that; it is the conclusions/determinations that people have made about who they think I am, that hurt me.

I am a deep thinker, which at times makes me quiet & reflective (understandably, most people do not believe this).  I can be quite emotional, easily moved, and yet not openly demonstrative; because I learned years ago, that people overreacted or due to their inability to know how to respond to me, thereby creating an uncomfortable atmosphere for all. 

People have the expectation that I am always "up"... It has been my identity, my "job" even, to keep people encouraged, happy & laughing, which is indeed a part of me & one part of me that I love, but again, it is not all of me. Therefore, if I am not walking in that part of my identity, others are uncertain about how to interact with me, so typically they just don't. 

I do posses enough self awareness that I also know I tend to be an "in-the-moment" person.  This is both a strength and a weakness.  When I am "in the moment" with someone, I am completely "there", passionately, intimately, with genuine care and interest.  But then I move into the next "moment", consequently creating a perception of inaccessibility. Many have interpreted this as a lack of sincerity, or an "act" when I was in the moment with them, and as a result, they feel rejected or forgotten by me.  I then become labeled, not as caring or encouraging, but as phony or disingenuous in my interactions with people; doing the VERY thing I hate most- disappointing/hurting people.  I recognize this does not have an obvious relationship to my trust issues, but it is a place where my motives are constantly in question and makes me feel "on guard" with others perceptions of me.

Thank you for your willingness to be my friend...  one of the things I do not do well is ask for help.  Not because I am unwilling or too prideful, but mostly because I am not even sure to ask for... make sense?  I look forward to the day when I can once again, walk hand in hand with my best friend, where whatever I need is just known...even if, maybe especially if, I can't articulate it.


With much love and appreciation,
Steffanie

SOS

I will not be here long... it's late and I should be sleeping, but once again I find my mind with the inability to shut itself off.  I need advice... I cannot seem to "will" myself to do anything.  I don't know if I have fallen into some kind of depression, but I just feel paralyzed- occupationally, in my household, emotionally, even spiritually.  I don't want or need "pat" answers.  I need help... my hand being taken and walked through (with patience, boldness, acceptance and grace) whatever I need to do.  I have been on a waiting list since April to see a counselor but she has still had no openings.  I do not want to go to anyone else because I have some pretty real trust issues.  

I have an INCREDIBLE family, but I feel SO alone... I want someone to walk WITH me through this- whatever "this" is. I have had a terrible day of missing past friendships... scary bad actually.  I cannot (nor for others) afford to make emotional choices.  I have had people advise me to use "diversion" tactics, but those do not heal the heart.  

So what do I do?  Work harder? Be still more? Love less? Love more? Pray harder? Run away? Not with "right/ religious" answers, but help me friend... anyone?

Normal?

I am sitting at my sister's house listening to the rain fall as all of the children play downstairs.  I've been on the computer for awhile trying to avoid coming here actually.  I ended up going through my "google history" from the last, almost ten months.  It's amazing the flood of memories that came rushing back.  Some good, some not so much... but intensely emotional, nonetheless.  (*One of the of things that made me giggle was (were?) the number of words that I had to "look up".  I've been challenged in many ways since the beginning of this year and my vocabulary was one of them!)

As I sit, I find myself pondering what my new "normal" is supposed to look like.  There is SO much upheaval and loss in my life and NOTHING is as it was... the grief of so much loss is almost paralyzing.  I don't even know where to begin...  

In discussion with a friend, who very recently lost his wife, he assured me, that although often "things" don't turn out the way we plan, hope, or even pray, that God is still our only hope and place in which to place our trust.  He prayed, even with belief that his wife would be healed... she wasn't. What did he miss?  What did he not understand?  Now what?  What does normal look like?

What I know, is that despite my grief and questions, there are people around me that are continuing to love God, staying faithful, and keep putting one foot in front of the other; with a hope and a faith in a GOOD plan for the their future, from a GOOD God. 

I haven't a CLUE where to go from here... what to do... and with/without whom; but my heart is still beating (although most days it feels like barely) and must assume I am to keep going... 

Broken

Maybe some things really are just better off left unsaid, so I do not say much here anymore... not sure if that is a good thing or bad.  It just is.  Typically broken hearts are just that- broken; thereby, broken words inevitably follow.  Who wants to listen to that?  I'm sorry to have become a disappointment to so many...

I love deeply... maybe too deeply... I confess, I wish I didn't for SO many reasons.  I wish I knew how to just "move on"; thought I was actually... sigh.