True Love

I had someone ask me this last week about being "in love". The question was inflamed by the damage and perpetual rejection of a spouse. The wounds were so deep and had been steeped in years of ravaging deception and betrayal. It was easy (and understandable) to discern her subtle request for an "out".

I responded only with what I have come to understand and pursue. With regard to love in a marriage covenant we musn't waste time and energy seeking to distinguish between the feelings of romantic love and that of committed love. I love him (or her). Period.

I am called to love with the truest and deepest kind of love. This kind of love cannot be described with sonnets & love songs. Or with sentiments depicting butterflies in the stomach,the heart throbbing, and a twinkle in the eyes...Don't get me wrong, this is enticing, exhilarating and can even be quite motiviating, but it is horrifically incomplete. The truest love may begin that way, but must become prodigiously more. It can only be described as a resolve, a decision, a commitment...the fulfillment of a covenant. It's sacrificial, perilous, exposing, vulnerable, hopeful, patient, long-suffering and it must be completely and totally without condition.

These are not expressions of love that when we hear them (or live them out) will stir up"warm fuzzies", but they are declarations of True Love. The kind of love that calls you to lay down your life. (We don't like to hear that sermon do we?) I can tell you that I would have chosen another way. I like what makes me feel good. But I've been won over by True Love. So I don't live for me anymore. I live for the One Who took the risk of loving me...the One Who laid down His life for me. I'm eternally grateful that Jesus didn't wait for the "warm fuzzies".

I choose true love. Risky? Yes. Painful? Unbelievably.
But I don't know that I could be called to anything higher.

Re-Run

I find myself sitting at the computer much later than I should be but I am enjoying the quiet and solitude. I was catching up on email and decided to check out some unread comments on my blog. I haven't been here in awhile...for reasons into which I will not go.

I think this is one of my new mantra's: "Life sucks but God is good.". I know, it isn't much of an exhortation and is crass, but it's where I am right now. If I could sit down and write a truly good "new" post I would write the While I'm Waiting post again...you know how you can watch re-runs of your favorite Little House or Cosby Show episode over and over(oops, I am showing my age) that's what is like to go back to that post. I may be in this waiting place for awhile longer...I pray not. But if you are looking to be encouraged don't keep reading this post, go back and read that one (or a Broken Hallelujah).

I wonder if the Apostle Paul ever did that. I wonder if he ever found himself in such a pit that he had to go back and read what he had already written (don't get your undies in a bunch - I am not comparing myself or my writing to that of the inspired Word of God) I just know he was human.

I am so thankful for the "good" days...the days filled with faith, hope, perseverance and strength. I am thankful because the "bad" ones can be really bad. I have had some of these lately. These are the days where all is tested...where you are actually making conscience decisions to take in air...where every ounce of energy is being used just to hold your head in an upright postion. Will I hold on one more day? Can I bear anymore? There sits before me the contending of hope and heartache, the clashing of perseverance and pain, and ultimately the collision of faith and fear... Yet, when I choose to let go, when my choice is to trust Him, in the sweetness of surrender He takes my hand and leads me besides still waters, He makes me to lie down in the greenest of pastures and He restores my soul...I shall not want anything but more of Him.

I will worship while I'm waiting...

Big Girl

I know what some of you thought when you saw the title of this post...no, it is not about me and issues regarding weight! I just wanted to share a little video clip of my "baby" having just learned how to ride her bike. It actually chokes me up writing this. It feels like the end to a chapter in our lives...my baby is a big girl. I love watching them learn new skills and accomplish what they have considered impossible. I hope this never ends...for me or for them.


(Press Play - notice the cute little pig tails popping out beneath her helmet.)

Hello Stranger!

Okay, so I haven't posted in awhile. Forgive me. Life has been a little hectic around here and I still struggle with keeping up with everything. One thing, about which I will write later, that has kept me busy is running! I have been attending a "boot camp" for runners and have run 5k races the past two weekends. I really do have a love-hate relationship with running but Lord teaches me so much when I do it...so I will run on!

Transitional Medicine

As many of you know, we have been conducting a complete overhaul of our lifestyle in regards to health and eating. Part of this new lifestyle is the inclusion of vitamins and supplements. One supplement, of which we take plenty (especially the girls), is Alfalfa tablets.

Today I was commenting (okay, complaining) of a bit of an upset stomach. We are apparently still transitioning from the medicinal approach to natural methods because Sarah, attempting to be helpful, suggested I take some Alka-falfa! SO CUTE!







+

= Alka-falfa!

Run, Steffi Run!

I ran tonight...not far. Not even far enough to consider it a "run". But I ran. Not even because I wanted to but because I needed to.

I was walking (really didn't even want to do that) at a nice pace and racking up a few miles but my hips started to hurt. I have experienced this before so I knew what I needed to do, I just didn't want to do it. My walking buddy also knew what I needed...so I began running. Just a nice slow jog -not that I do anything faster on a good day- and just the last stretch of road. But it was just what I needed. My hips quit hurting. Even as I ran I told my friend that it was easier than I thought it would be. I thanked her for pushing me.

As I began this post I didn't have a focus...just thought I would write a bit before heading off to bed. But remember how I told you that the Lord shows me stuff when I begin to write. Do you see all of the life parallels in the above paragraph? Wow.

I have been struggling lately. Loneliness. Lack of direction. Anonymity. Frustration. Senses of hopelessness...anything strike a chord? I have purposed however to keep putting one foot in front of the other. To walk it out. But things have really started to hurt. Maybe it is time to take this pain and run with it. I am not exactly sure what that is going to look like yet but I have a feeling I will know.

I began pouring some of this out with a friend today. He, having much more experience and wisdom than I, must also know I need to run. He pushed me. So I am faced with a choice. Do I continue to walk in the pain or do I begin to run? His exhortation to me was to not allow the pain to simply be felt but to embrace it. Let this pain push me to something greater...for my good and ultimately for the glory of God. This has always been my desire but sometimes I need the proverbial kick in the butt. Paul tells the Galatians "I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessing. Do you not know that in a race all runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize."

Here was my thought process, in the few moments I had to consider whether or not I would run, on my walk tonight: I don't want to. I can't. It may hurt more. I haven't done it in awhile. It's not far enough for a real run. Oh, my word! It ended up being much easier than I thought it would be. In fact, I could have run further than we did. God tells me to throw off my sinful nature (my way of thinking) which is corrupted by deception. But to instead let the Spirit renew my thoughts and attitudes (Ephesians 4:22-23).

I have allowed self-doubt, laziness, perfectionism and fear to control far too many things in my life...from the physical to the spiritual. I am tired of it. Lord, I am ready to run. Your counsel to the Hebrews is the prayer of my heart tonight: "...let me throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let me run with perseverance the race marked out for me. Let me fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Let me consider HIM who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that I will not grow weary and lose heart."

Should I decide to run, I know there will be times I will trip and fall...but at least I will still be moving forward.

Home Alone

Okay, so it is late...very late. I really have no business sitting at my computer. I should be sleeping. My husband is gone, all of my children are gone and I am home alone. I should be elated with time spent in the quiet...should be. It's funny how one day I can so look forward to having some time to myself, I get it and then I am not sure what to do with it.

Here's the thing...I am lonely. May I be very candid and vulnerable? I have been struggling with this for sometime now. I know it may be hard to understand when I am surrounded by little people all day but it is what it is. With all of them gone, these feelings are now magnified.

I am not sure about the root of this...is it an attack from the enemy or is it the Lord calling me to solitude with Him? Either way it is heavy. It is like a weighted cloak. To be really honest, I am not even sure why I am posting this. Yet, there is something to be said about feeling that someone, somewhere might be reading this...someone is listening. Please hear me...I am not looking for sympathy or for any type of response. I just promised myself when I started this blog I was going to be real.

What am I trying to accomplish with the post? I don't know. I just know that in the past when I have started writing, the Lord begins to show me things. For reasons I don't understand, I somehow feel less "crazy" when I put things in writing. I suppose it helps me put things into perspective.

I am feeling incredibly anonymous. I realize that it may be hard for some people to believe, that someone with a personality as big as mine, can feel anonymous but there really isn't any other way to describe it.

Let me take you deeper...if you want to go there with me. I have been married for almost 17 years now. In that 17 years I could on count on both hands how many times I have heard my husband call me by my name and most of those times were in frustration with me. I, in NO way, am looking to disrespect my husband...this has just not been a strength of his (remember the "times of frustration" I just mentioned...I am sure I earned those!). But this has added to the feeling of anonymity.

As I sit here writing this and feeling its sting, I can't help but what wonder how God must feel. How many times have I only called out His name in times of frustration? Oh, I've said His name alright, but how many times has it been in vain? Lord, forgive me...

I thought about going for a run tonight but wondered who would know, for days, if something happened to me...I didn't go. Isn't it funny how isolation begets isolation. (Don't get me wrong, I talk with at least one of my three sisters or my mother almost everyday. In fact, I truly have one of THE most amazing families on the planet. But they all live out of state, so there is no one here to "check in".) I have lived long enough to know that this is just a season. But when you are in it, it feels like an eternity.

I remember, not very long ago, sitting in a corn field in the middle of August singing a song a dear friend and mentor wrote entitled All I Need. It is a song that encapsulates, with simplicity, my utter dependence on Jesus. The chorus sings: All I need...You are all I need...Jesus, Love of My life...You are all I need.

Maybe that is what I need to do tomorrow...find myself in a corn field.