Re-Run

I find myself sitting at the computer much later than I should be but I am enjoying the quiet and solitude. I was catching up on email and decided to check out some unread comments on my blog. I haven't been here in awhile...for reasons into which I will not go.

I think this is one of my new mantra's: "Life sucks but God is good.". I know, it isn't much of an exhortation and is crass, but it's where I am right now. If I could sit down and write a truly good "new" post I would write the While I'm Waiting post again...you know how you can watch re-runs of your favorite Little House or Cosby Show episode over and over(oops, I am showing my age) that's what is like to go back to that post. I may be in this waiting place for awhile longer...I pray not. But if you are looking to be encouraged don't keep reading this post, go back and read that one (or a Broken Hallelujah).

I wonder if the Apostle Paul ever did that. I wonder if he ever found himself in such a pit that he had to go back and read what he had already written (don't get your undies in a bunch - I am not comparing myself or my writing to that of the inspired Word of God) I just know he was human.

I am so thankful for the "good" days...the days filled with faith, hope, perseverance and strength. I am thankful because the "bad" ones can be really bad. I have had some of these lately. These are the days where all is tested...where you are actually making conscience decisions to take in air...where every ounce of energy is being used just to hold your head in an upright postion. Will I hold on one more day? Can I bear anymore? There sits before me the contending of hope and heartache, the clashing of perseverance and pain, and ultimately the collision of faith and fear... Yet, when I choose to let go, when my choice is to trust Him, in the sweetness of surrender He takes my hand and leads me besides still waters, He makes me to lie down in the greenest of pastures and He restores my soul...I shall not want anything but more of Him.

I will worship while I'm waiting...

Big Girl

I know what some of you thought when you saw the title of this post...no, it is not about me and issues regarding weight! I just wanted to share a little video clip of my "baby" having just learned how to ride her bike. It actually chokes me up writing this. It feels like the end to a chapter in our lives...my baby is a big girl. I love watching them learn new skills and accomplish what they have considered impossible. I hope this never ends...for me or for them.


(Press Play - notice the cute little pig tails popping out beneath her helmet.)

Hello Stranger!

Okay, so I haven't posted in awhile. Forgive me. Life has been a little hectic around here and I still struggle with keeping up with everything. One thing, about which I will write later, that has kept me busy is running! I have been attending a "boot camp" for runners and have run 5k races the past two weekends. I really do have a love-hate relationship with running but Lord teaches me so much when I do it...so I will run on!

Transitional Medicine

As many of you know, we have been conducting a complete overhaul of our lifestyle in regards to health and eating. Part of this new lifestyle is the inclusion of vitamins and supplements. One supplement, of which we take plenty (especially the girls), is Alfalfa tablets.

Today I was commenting (okay, complaining) of a bit of an upset stomach. We are apparently still transitioning from the medicinal approach to natural methods because Sarah, attempting to be helpful, suggested I take some Alka-falfa! SO CUTE!







+

= Alka-falfa!

Run, Steffi Run!

I ran tonight...not far. Not even far enough to consider it a "run". But I ran. Not even because I wanted to but because I needed to.

I was walking (really didn't even want to do that) at a nice pace and racking up a few miles but my hips started to hurt. I have experienced this before so I knew what I needed to do, I just didn't want to do it. My walking buddy also knew what I needed...so I began running. Just a nice slow jog -not that I do anything faster on a good day- and just the last stretch of road. But it was just what I needed. My hips quit hurting. Even as I ran I told my friend that it was easier than I thought it would be. I thanked her for pushing me.

As I began this post I didn't have a focus...just thought I would write a bit before heading off to bed. But remember how I told you that the Lord shows me stuff when I begin to write. Do you see all of the life parallels in the above paragraph? Wow.

I have been struggling lately. Loneliness. Lack of direction. Anonymity. Frustration. Senses of hopelessness...anything strike a chord? I have purposed however to keep putting one foot in front of the other. To walk it out. But things have really started to hurt. Maybe it is time to take this pain and run with it. I am not exactly sure what that is going to look like yet but I have a feeling I will know.

I began pouring some of this out with a friend today. He, having much more experience and wisdom than I, must also know I need to run. He pushed me. So I am faced with a choice. Do I continue to walk in the pain or do I begin to run? His exhortation to me was to not allow the pain to simply be felt but to embrace it. Let this pain push me to something greater...for my good and ultimately for the glory of God. This has always been my desire but sometimes I need the proverbial kick in the butt. Paul tells the Galatians "I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessing. Do you not know that in a race all runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize."

Here was my thought process, in the few moments I had to consider whether or not I would run, on my walk tonight: I don't want to. I can't. It may hurt more. I haven't done it in awhile. It's not far enough for a real run. Oh, my word! It ended up being much easier than I thought it would be. In fact, I could have run further than we did. God tells me to throw off my sinful nature (my way of thinking) which is corrupted by deception. But to instead let the Spirit renew my thoughts and attitudes (Ephesians 4:22-23).

I have allowed self-doubt, laziness, perfectionism and fear to control far too many things in my life...from the physical to the spiritual. I am tired of it. Lord, I am ready to run. Your counsel to the Hebrews is the prayer of my heart tonight: "...let me throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let me run with perseverance the race marked out for me. Let me fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Let me consider HIM who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that I will not grow weary and lose heart."

Should I decide to run, I know there will be times I will trip and fall...but at least I will still be moving forward.

Home Alone

Okay, so it is late...very late. I really have no business sitting at my computer. I should be sleeping. My husband is gone, all of my children are gone and I am home alone. I should be elated with time spent in the quiet...should be. It's funny how one day I can so look forward to having some time to myself, I get it and then I am not sure what to do with it.

Here's the thing...I am lonely. May I be very candid and vulnerable? I have been struggling with this for sometime now. I know it may be hard to understand when I am surrounded by little people all day but it is what it is. With all of them gone, these feelings are now magnified.

I am not sure about the root of this...is it an attack from the enemy or is it the Lord calling me to solitude with Him? Either way it is heavy. It is like a weighted cloak. To be really honest, I am not even sure why I am posting this. Yet, there is something to be said about feeling that someone, somewhere might be reading this...someone is listening. Please hear me...I am not looking for sympathy or for any type of response. I just promised myself when I started this blog I was going to be real.

What am I trying to accomplish with the post? I don't know. I just know that in the past when I have started writing, the Lord begins to show me things. For reasons I don't understand, I somehow feel less "crazy" when I put things in writing. I suppose it helps me put things into perspective.

I am feeling incredibly anonymous. I realize that it may be hard for some people to believe, that someone with a personality as big as mine, can feel anonymous but there really isn't any other way to describe it.

Let me take you deeper...if you want to go there with me. I have been married for almost 17 years now. In that 17 years I could on count on both hands how many times I have heard my husband call me by my name and most of those times were in frustration with me. I, in NO way, am looking to disrespect my husband...this has just not been a strength of his (remember the "times of frustration" I just mentioned...I am sure I earned those!). But this has added to the feeling of anonymity.

As I sit here writing this and feeling its sting, I can't help but what wonder how God must feel. How many times have I only called out His name in times of frustration? Oh, I've said His name alright, but how many times has it been in vain? Lord, forgive me...

I thought about going for a run tonight but wondered who would know, for days, if something happened to me...I didn't go. Isn't it funny how isolation begets isolation. (Don't get me wrong, I talk with at least one of my three sisters or my mother almost everyday. In fact, I truly have one of THE most amazing families on the planet. But they all live out of state, so there is no one here to "check in".) I have lived long enough to know that this is just a season. But when you are in it, it feels like an eternity.

I remember, not very long ago, sitting in a corn field in the middle of August singing a song a dear friend and mentor wrote entitled All I Need. It is a song that encapsulates, with simplicity, my utter dependence on Jesus. The chorus sings: All I need...You are all I need...Jesus, Love of My life...You are all I need.

Maybe that is what I need to do tomorrow...find myself in a corn field.

FOR WOMEN ONLY!!

So, today was my very first mamogram...I intended to give you the long, drawn out, comical version but as the clique goes, I figure a picture is worth a thousand words. (I will mention however,that I found it both hysterical and frightening when I walked into the room and the first thing I saw were the "uneating" pans!)
Below I have posted before and after pictures. Don't look if you are sqeamish...










































Before...

























































































After...

Keri-orgian Chants

This is usually done with much more passion and flair but she wanted to share with all of you so this is what I got...Daddy loves it!


(Press Play)

While I'm Waiting...

I find myself once again re-learning the discipline of waiting. This I have come to know my friends...waiting on the Lord can be excruciatingly difficult. I have fought many battles and shed an abundance of tears during this process.

Part of the problem is the culture in which you and I live. Drive-thrus, microwaves, the "time-saver"cycle on the washer, instant oatmeal...instant almost anything really. I want it, I get it. Heck, even cable has channels "On-Demand".


Even amid these "instants", there are still circumstances in which I have to wait. I can't get a healthy baby in much less than 9 1/2 months. I am held up in rush hour traffic. Try getting out of the doctor's office in any kind of acceptable time...even the room in which I sit is appropriately entitled the waiting room. I can't even watch the live "season finale" a minute sooner than when it starts (can you imagine?). But these are cases of everyday waiting...expected, ordinary, acceptable or at times, simply annoying.

Looking past the predictable however, there is the kind of waiting that demands a response. It will have a life altering outcome. The kind of waiting that steeps in agony..

• Waiting for a job to open up
• Waiting for a prodigal to return
• Waiting for the test results
• Waiting for your spouse to come back
• Waiting for God to fulfill promises that He has spoken to you

I confess, there are many times I resign. I just don't have it in me. It gets too hard, too painful, too grueling...I'm done. I have had this very conversation with God this week. It's funny how those conversations work. I tell Him all the reasons why I am hanging it up...He listens. I tell Him all the reasons I just cannot go on...He listens. Then, in His usual gentle way, He begins to speak. I hear Him, if I am listening.

Today He spoke to me through His word and a song that has become my theme song. While my grip has slipped lately, I will hold on and worship while I'm waiting...

(Press Play)

Make Me Laugh

Jason and I took the task of naming our children very seriously. We were equally as passionate about our individual opinions of what those should be. When we found out our second child was going to be another girl I was not looking forward to the impending "war" over names. I finally took it to God (I know, I know...I should have done it sooner).

He led me to the passage about Abraham and Sarah. Sarah? Hmmm....Sarah. I liked it. "It means 'Laughter'" He whispered to my spirit. "Yes, Lord, but that is because she laughed at You. I don't want my daughter to be named after someone who laughed at You." (The meanings of their names were very important to us also.) "It will be the laughter she brings to your home." He assured me. I complied, figuring Jason wouldn't go for it anyway. I mentioned "Sarah" to him that night in bed as an option and he replied "Yeah, I think I like it." So without further adieu, I present you with an example of the fulfillment of that Word from the Lord! This is entitled "Zebra Face".

(Press play).

Take Me Out to the Ball Game (4-5 nights a week!)

We have been in full swing for softball (excuse the pun) season since April. All three girls signed up and Jason still plays with the church team. We are therefore at the ball park 4-5 nights a week. Jason is coaching Sami's team again and I am helping to coach Sarah's. We both love it. We hope to someday get to coach together and hopefully with at least two of our children on the same team. I have included some pictures of all the girls just before Sarah's game. (You'll notice, in true Marion fashion (maybe Smith:) ) that they all insist on making funny faces).

Keri has been playing t-ball but has opted out of finishing the season (for reason pertaining to Daddy's occupation vs. coaching personnel). She was easily bribed with the allowance of continuing to wear her uniform and cleats whenever she wants and of course $.75 to use at the concession once a week for sunflower seeds (the now, only somewhat acceptable treat option at the ball park).

Sarah is one of the oldest on her team and, in our opinion, the best as well (hey, Dizzy Dean always said "It ain't bragging if it's the truth"). She primarily plays short stop and has grown tremendously in the knowledge of the game and her position. She is good and she loves it. Her greatest frustration is that we don't yet have a first basemen that can catch her! She will be trying out for the travelling, fastpitch, all-star team on Saturday morning.

Sami loves playing softball. But to tell you the truth, I think... no, I know, she loves the social aspect of it more than anything. She has loved connecting with the girls on her team and literally cries if a game gets cancelled (she'd be ticked if she knew I told you this, so please don't tease her!). She is playing short fielder and some second base. She has really gotten a hold a a few balls this year and cranked 'em.

Thanks for granting me the honor once of again, of your time. I am always humbled that anyone cares about what I have to share! Have a GREAT weekend!

Heartless Humor

Here is what I found when I went to pull some deer meat out of the freezer last night...

If you cannot read it clearly, it says: "I am 1lb of burger and I don't want you to eat me besues {because} you are mean besues you shot me."

Of course being authored and placed in the freezer by our little "stand up" Sarah Beth!

Doesn't Make Cents

This really is nothing much worth writing but I found the irony in it humorous. How many of us leave the penny behind when we go thru the drive-thru, or when stopping at the mini-mart for a drink? I do it sometimes. Yet, I have spent hours cutting and sorting coupons to save$.10 or $.25. Here is the irony I was confronted with yesterday...I left the bread store in a hurry handing the cashier the $1.20 for my $1.19 purchase and headed out the door. I then proceeded to Kroger to pick up one thing. They now give you $.03 for each bag you bring in of your own. I shut the door to my van, unlatched the hatch in the back, dug below all of the softball bags and lawn chairs to get my bag to be sure to get my $.03 savings!! I'm such a nerd!

A Broken Hallelujah

One thing I have learned, and continue to learn, is the power in praise. Don't get me wrong. There is no power in what I have to offer, but there is something about praising that touches the heart of God so profoundly that the spiritual atmosphere begins to change.

There are times when life is so excruciatingly painful that there is an actual collapse to the floor, curling into the fetal position, weeping uncontrollably and telling God that if He does not step into that very moment you will just lay there and die. Some of you know exactly what I am talking about...you've been there. If you have to think about it...you haven't.

On several such incidents of agony, my precious parents literally walked me through the process of praise. My heart was bleeding, I could barely speak through my searing tears. My mother began.

"Lord, I praise You....say it Steffi." she muttered through her own tears.

"Lord, I praise You."

"Lord, You are worthy...come on Steffi." she continued.

"Lord, You are worthy."

"Jesus, I thank You that things are just as they are...{waiting}...come on, Honey." she urged.

"Jesus, I thank You that....I thank You that...I thank You that things are just as they are. I praise You that You are STILL in control. I thank You that You see what I cannot. I thank You that You are working good out of all that is not...You are worthy, You are worthy, You are worthy..." The Spirit of God began to rise up in me! My circumstances did not change (immediately) but the ability to rise above them did. It is wondrous. It is my God.

Be exhorted, Beloved - Praise Him in ALL and for ALL things! The Psalmist says "He inhabits {lives in} the praise of His people."! Experience the spiritual atmosphere around you change. It is warfare and it is healing to the soul.

I copied the words to a song that has become a favorite of mine. It is from Mandisa's Freedom Album: Broken Hallelujah. I pray it speaks to you the way it does me.

With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord

My heart’s in a thousand pieces

Maybe even more
Yet I trust in this moment

You’re with me somehow

And You’ve always been faithful

So Lord even now

When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn
How could I doubt
Your goodness, Your wisdom, Your grace
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place

Hallelujah I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You

Men of Honor

This Memorial Day I will fulfill the expected, yet please know that it is truly from my heart. I want to take a moment to express a genuine THANK YOU to all who have served and are serving.

Let me begin with honoring my brother-in-law, Brian, who is currently serving in Afghanistan. I know that he began his journey with the Navy (commissioned) primarily to cover medical school. However, I also know his great love for this country and his passion for freedom. He has come to love his "guys" in the Marines and is committed to them. He has made tremendous sacrifices leaving his wife (my beloved sister) and children (my GORGEOUS niece and nephews) behind. Brian - THANK YOU for what you are doing. Nicole - THANK YOU for what you have to endure while your husband is gone. You are an AMAZING women.



Now, on to my own experience in the armed forces. My husband enlisted during the first gulf war. He served in the 82nd Airborne Division. He never did have to go over seas, to his dismay and my delight. However, I cannot begin to express the pride that I felt (and still feel) for his service. As in most areas of his life, Jason excelled as a soldier and was willing to die for our freedom. Jason- THANK YOU for what you gave. While I know that Memorial Day primarily focuses on military service, I would be remiss if I did not thank him for his present service on the front lines. He may not wear his camouflage everyday, but he still carries a weapon and a bullet proof vest. How many of us have to go to work like that? THANK YOU sweetheart, for continuing to protect our country everyday. You are a man of honor.



Both my father and father-in-law served. My father also never had to go over seas, but he definitely paid his dues and so did my mother! My father-in-law served in Vietnam and still to this day does not talk about it much. We will never know the atrocities that he saw. Daddy - THANK YOU for giving me a better life because of your service. Dad - THANK YOU for coming home! You are both honorable men.

Finally, and with great respect, I honor my grandfathers. Both of my grandfathers fought in WWII. This is stuff I read about in history class - yes, even 20 years ago. It is not just a story. These two stoic men have lived it. I will never know all they saw, sacrificed and endured for my freedoms. It has become cliche' because it is true - freedom is NEVER free...these are two men who paid the cost. Grandpa - THANK YOU for your sacrifices. Gramps - THANK YOU for you fighting for me before I was even born.

THANK YOU Father, that you have allowed me to live in country where I can speak to You and about You freely...at least for today. Please strengthen us to stand up for that freedom. Thank You for Your favor on this land. Help me to never take for granted all of those whom have fought for this country. But mostly, Lord, THANK YOU for Your ultimate sacrifice- Jesus- that no matter in which country I live, I am always free.

Provacative Sin

I had some trouble getting to sleep last night. I found myself praying for Jon & Kate Gosselin (they are from a reality show: Jon & Kate plus 8 on TLC...they are Christians with twins and sextuplets). Our girls have been very curious about all of the tabloid/celebrity magazines that have them plastered all over their covers these days. Our oldest, Sam, picked one up (without my knowledge) and began to leaf through it.

Then it happened. Those things in life you know will come... those things about which you know your children will ask...she asked me what was going on. My heart is racing even as I write this. I, in an attempt to end the conversation, explained that those magazines do not very often tell the truth or exaggerate things to sell magazines. She continued to push. "It says Jon had an affair. What is that again?" Feeling like throwing up (much like I do right now) I explained. "It means that someone becomes involved with a person who is not their spouse." She questions again, "What do you mean involved?" Let me remind you that this conversation is taking place while walking to our van at Kroger. "It means they have feelings for a person, that God intended for their spouse, but many times act on those feelings with that other person." Fearfully anticipating the push for even more detail, her next comment crushed me..."But I thought Jon was a Christian...but he is a really nice guy and a dad."

Now, you have to understand that this is my child who sees things in black and white. Since she was little, we have had many talks about grace. Talks about how, that just because as a family we don't believe that it honors the Lord to celebrate Halloween, doesn't mean that she may put out a yard sign, of her interpretation, that says "Jesus hates Halloween". But this conversation was years beyond yard signs and trick or treat...or was it? Could she put out a yard sign for this one: "Jesus hates adultery"? I think so...yet, grace must fit in here too.

You see, I don't know if all of what the tabloids are saying are true. I hope and pray not. But this I do know...we ALL need grace and mercy. If what they say he did is true, it is horrifically sinful, destructive, devastating and excruciatingly painful for all of them. There will be years to recover, I am sure. There will be scars for a lifetime.

But I wonder, when God calls me to respect my husband but I instead choose to speak to him in a manner which is the antithesis of respect, haven't I now, also a Christ follower, sinned against God. Why do we choose the "provocative" sins as unforgivable. Oh, not that we think that God won't forgive. We know He will. But we still want to put sin on a scale. Hear me on this. I know the effects of an affair reach far beyond what we consider "smaller" sins. I will not trivialize this reality. But it is not my point here. I want to examine our need for mercy....each and every one of us.

I, for one, am not above sin, the need to be forgiven, or the need for mercy. I also know, first hand, the struggle with measuring sin. You know what I mean. "I would never do that. Or at least I haven't done that." Haven't I? Haven't you? According to scripture we have. My sister reminded me of this very thing the other day. If Jon did have an affair and I hid from my husband something I ate (deception), which one is more deserving of eternal separation from our God? To reconcile with His Word, we both are.

If Jon is repentant and humbled before God over his sin, and I am too, who will He heal and restore to Himself? I remember very clearly, Lord asking me one day. "Let's say Sami had tremendously hurt Sarah. Sarah was crying out for healing in the depths of her pain. Sami then came to you begging for forgiveness and wanting to be healed. Seeing both of your children in pain, seeking healing, who would you heal first?" I am an imperfect parent, but my answer to Him was, of course, both.

May I be completely confessional? I still have to work at "esteeming others as better than myself". Some days this is really hard. Because there are times when I look at others and say, "But I am better than that. I would never ______". (Please tell me you struggle with this too.) I pray against this. It is self-righteousness and pride. I hate it. It doesn't allow me to love others well...and is certainly not how Jesus loves or how He desires for me to love His children. I beg God to give me His heart in this.

I have needed grace and mercy more than I will probably ever know. Words could not begin to express what my heart feels... eternal gratefulness that Jesus loves me enough to lavish me with both.

I exhort you today, Beloved, let grace and mercy flow from you with abundance...as it has been given unto you.

Fowl Play

Okay, so here is my first post...I would like to sit and write something deeply profound but I have instead decided to write what I shared with people yesterday.

It is nothing of consequence but I hope you'll humor me anyway. I cooked meat in my kitchen last night for the first time in almost 5 months. Why did I do it you ask....because Jason killed a turkey on our family hunting/camping trip to southern Ohio last weekend. (Make note: If taking three little girls into the middle of the woods with only a 5 gallon bucket -affectionately know as the "pee bucket" - bring plenty of extra pants and underwear.)

To be forthright, while impressed with my husband's prowess, it is my 5 year old's response to the eating of the said turkey that I found so worthy of sharing. Following several comments (spanning 3 hours) regarding the aroma of the cooking bird, Keri followed me into the kitchen for what would be the final temperature check. As I pulled out the roaster and peeled back the foil, she looked on with gianormous eyes and with as much gratitude as she could muster squeals, " THANK YOU GOD for wild turkeys!"

While sitting at our feast (organic spring mix salad; mashed organic sweet potatoes with cinnamon, nutmeg, raw agave nectar and some organic vanilla; slightly toasted fresh green beans with mushrooms, onions and garlic) she politely asked for the leg of the fowl - which was probably bigger than hers. Upon receiving the requested portion of meat, she took a huge bite, raised it above her head, leaned toward the opened dining room window and yelled to the street, "I'm... eating... TURKEY!!".