What Love is NOT

Warning: This is NOT going to be a warm and fuzzy post, guaranteed.  I am finding myself at a place of questioning that I have not been at in a VERY long time; at least to level that I am. 

I am angry.  I am hurt.  I am beyond accepting "right, christian" answers.  I have felt rejected by many of the people of God.  It was pointed out to me today, that I am not extending grace to those from whom I am not receiving grace; maybe so.  I guess that puts me at the highest form of hypocrisy... just add it to the list of stacking charges.  I know that when someone is in deep pain, even if some of that pain is brought on because of the individual's choice, it is overwhelming and becomes paralyzing to their ability to correct "wrong" thinking or feelings.

I want people to stop telling me what I should and shouldn't do... it's pissing me off.  When sharing my hurt about being given the cold shoulder and utterly ignored, I was told that people loved me, but are just unsure about how to respond to me or my circumstances right now.  But I know this... while FAR from perfect, I KNOW what it is to love when it is hard, even seemingly impossible.  I KNOW what it is to LOVE someone who has wronged you in the worst possible way.  I KNOW what it is to LOVE someone when it is not reciprocated.  I KNOW what it is to LOVE someone who not only has broken trust, and betrayed you, but who has utterly rejected you... in EVERY way.  I KNOW what it is to STILL LOVE, even til this very day, even in the midst of intense pain.  And I KNOW it does NOT look like has been expressed to me in the last few weeks, even months.  I do NOT have the all of the answers to what love "looks" like, nor will I pretend to, but I know it's not been this...

I am at the place where I feel (I know, not a safe word) like I have been eating an incredibly healthy diet and am dying of cancer anyway... 

Please... I know all of the "right" christian answers here, so if you feel the need to comment, keep this in mind.  Somewhere, in the deepest recesses of my soul, I know I will look back at this short "pitiful" post one day and be deeply saddened that I got to this place after all of the standing I have done for so long... but it is where I am right now...

I am SO alone...