It's Not Always Beautiful

I need a safe place to lay out my heart...

I am just not sure where that is anymore.  

I did not think my heart could be more broken...

I need to exhale...

I need to stop thinking...

I really just want to stop everything.

Why does a shattered heart insist on beating?

Where do you go when you need to be held and there is no one to hold you?

Who wipes your tears... the ones you don't want anyone to see?  Not for the sake of hiding them, but for not being understood...

Why can I not die to myself...

I have never felt so weak in all my life...

I am wretched... there is no good thing in me, but Christ who dares live in me.

I am so sorry Papa, that I let you down... over and over and over again...

I am so sorry for failing to love well...

I am a Princess alright... a selfish one.

I  am desperate for You...

I have known too much...

But not enough of You.

Capture my heart again... if there is anything left...

Cause my heart to sing NO other name... Jesus.... Jesus...

Untame My Heart

Please indulge me again... this is a song that I came to know and love about 5 years ago (when I found myself in a cabin alone for 3 days "working things out" with Jesus).  I could have written this song. I found myself singing it in a parking lot yesterday as the deepest cry of my heart...

Untame my heart...
Cause me to run wild and free
In the love You have for me.

Open my eyes...
Let me look upon Your beauty
As if it was the first time I'd seen it.

Let me see You again...
Let me love You like I used to...

Renew my mind,
To the way it was before, Oh my Lord
I wanna think about you all the time.

Capture my gaze...
Be my only Love and my true Passion;
If only I can ask You this one thing:

Let me worship You forever.
Let me dwell with You all of my days.

And dance with me again...
Let the angels tell each other
Heaven's playing "our" song.

And wrap me in Your arms...
Sweep me off my feet into Your presence.
Ravished by You, ravished by You...

Unveil my face...
Offer Your hands to me, my Bridegroom;
Take me back to Your place.

Cause one thing I ask; one thing I seek:
To dwell in Your house
Forever and a day.

So dance with me again...
Let the angels tell each other
Heaven's playing "our" song.

Wrap me in Your arms...
Sweep me off my feet into Your presence.
Ravished by You, ravished by You.

Jessie (Rodgers) Goodman- Untame My Heart 

What Love is NOT

Warning: This is NOT going to be a warm and fuzzy post, guaranteed.  I am finding myself at a place of questioning that I have not been at in a VERY long time; at least to level that I am. 

I am angry.  I am hurt.  I am beyond accepting "right, christian" answers.  I have felt rejected by many of the people of God.  It was pointed out to me today, that I am not extending grace to those from whom I am not receiving grace; maybe so.  I guess that puts me at the highest form of hypocrisy... just add it to the list of stacking charges.  I know that when someone is in deep pain, even if some of that pain is brought on because of the individual's choice, it is overwhelming and becomes paralyzing to their ability to correct "wrong" thinking or feelings.

I want people to stop telling me what I should and shouldn't do... it's pissing me off.  When sharing my hurt about being given the cold shoulder and utterly ignored, I was told that people loved me, but are just unsure about how to respond to me or my circumstances right now.  But I know this... while FAR from perfect, I KNOW what it is to love when it is hard, even seemingly impossible.  I KNOW what it is to LOVE someone who has wronged you in the worst possible way.  I KNOW what it is to LOVE someone when it is not reciprocated.  I KNOW what it is to LOVE someone who not only has broken trust, and betrayed you, but who has utterly rejected you... in EVERY way.  I KNOW what it is to STILL LOVE, even til this very day, even in the midst of intense pain.  And I KNOW it does NOT look like has been expressed to me in the last few weeks, even months.  I do NOT have the all of the answers to what love "looks" like, nor will I pretend to, but I know it's not been this...

I am at the place where I feel (I know, not a safe word) like I have been eating an incredibly healthy diet and am dying of cancer anyway... 

Please... I know all of the "right" christian answers here, so if you feel the need to comment, keep this in mind.  Somewhere, in the deepest recesses of my soul, I know I will look back at this short "pitiful" post one day and be deeply saddened that I got to this place after all of the standing I have done for so long... but it is where I am right now...

I am SO alone...