I haven't been here for years…it was time to
come back. (I am posting this here because it may solicit a debate on FB in
which I have no desire to engage.)
I saw the movie War Room this weekend. It has
been ALL the rage; especially among my Christian friends, and understandably
so. I am incredibly encouraged that it has reached the masses as it has. We
NEED movies about hope...strength...fighting a battle we cannot see with our
eyes...and primarily, ones that glorify the name of Jesus!
But….I am struggling.
I had a very different story.
I prayed as the wife character Liz prayed. I
fought. I declared. I wept. I proclaimed. I battled. I memorized and quoted
scripture. I marched. I shouted. I fasted. I had prayer vigils with faithful
friends. I had the faith of a saint. I even lost friends for a season, because
they didn’t come into agreement with my faith. I did these things for
hours at a time...for weeks...for months...and then YEARS. I heard only a few
personal stories of those that prayed and fought as I did. I, too had a literal
prayer closet and a prayer chair.
However, my circumstances did not change...in
fact, they worsened.
Where was my salvation? My deliverance? My
restoration? My redemption? My reward? My good God?? I did all the
“right” things. I walked out all that I’d been taught. I put my faith in
action.
There are two underlying suppositions expressed
in this movie with which I have contention.
The first being, that somehow our prayers and
faith will trump human freewill. Those for whom we pray, have a choice. If they
do not CHOOSE to surrender themselves to the Lord and His will, then it will
not be forced upon them.
My second concern lies within the premise that
WE have the power to perform our way into moving God’s hand. This was (is) a
difficult theological lesson to learn.
Did you notice how many “I”s were in those
actions? Oh, please know, with the Lord as my witness, that my heart was pure.
I was praying according to His will. I was not consciously trying to manipulate
God or simply requesting Him to remove the pain. I look at that season of my
life (and dare I suggest, many of yours) and see how I was striving to
“activate” my faith….soliciting a move of the hand of God. That’s what we’re
taught to do, right? But, Beloveds, that’s magic. He is not a
genie in a bottle that if we rub it hard enough, and often enough, He’ll grant
our wishes.
Do I really believe that, if I only had more
faith….only prayed harder…..fasted just one more day, THEN He would have
finally moved? What about persecuted Christians, that for CENTURIES, have cried
out to God to only find torture and death? What of those that prayed for
healing for themselves or loved ones that died anyway or lived a horrific
quality of life? What of loved ones, whose lives were taken or took their
own...the list is almost endless.
If I truly believe that my faith or prayers
could have been more fervent, than I am believing my answers to prayers are
contingent upon ME and MY right standing. There is a word for that: self-righteousness.
I have to believe that God must have favorites...that He’ll do for some and not
for others.
In a place of full disclosure, my faith was
shaken to the core. Was God a personal God? Did He really see and care? Was He
really….....good?
My 20 year marriage ended, my heart shattered,
my family divided, my house was taken, my reputation tainted, my ministry gone,
my dreams vanquished, I began making sinful choices and worst of all, my
innocent children’s lives had been devastated….my prayers unanswered...even
seemingly unheard.
At this point, you may be wondering if I now
think prayer is pointless. The simple answer is, no.
Please hear me, I BELIEVE the Lord heard me. I
believe He wept with me. I believe He moved on my behalf. I believe He set things
into motion to restore my marriage and my family...but again, see the freewill
response. I have NO doubt that my cries moved the HEART of God.
I still do not know, why things that I believed
to be words of knowledge, prophetic words even, did not manifest. I still have
times of wondering if all those hours, turned into years, were wasted. But two
things encourage me: Jesus asked Peter if He believed He was the Son of God and
Peter simply responded, “If You’re not [the Savior, Messiah, my salvation] where
else would I go?” I confess, I too have had times when I’ve simply
resigned myself to His Lordship. He’s been the only thing that has satisfied my
soul. And lastly, Job encourages me. God NEVER answered ONE question of Job’s.
He merely asked Job more questions. When Job’s eyes were opened to the vastness
of Who God was (is), he became satisfied with no answers. I have learned (am
still learning) to become satisfied with no, or partial, answers on this side
of heaven. I have learned to seek Truth, not just answers.
I have come to believe that the GREATEST benefit
of prayer is to better know the HEART of God… that it is a time spent to
connect with Him. A place where He loves on me, enabling me to love the
unlovable. He receives, accepts, and forgives me, that I may do the same. He
comforts me and fills me with peace and joy. It’s where He strengthens me and
gives me courage to fight my daily battles. He encourages and inspires me,
therefore equipping me to bring more Heaven to Earth. It’s that place I go to
hear Him speak to me about who I am, thereby finding my identity. It’s where He
guides me, directs me and gives me wisdom for my daily dealings. I go to a War
Room to fight a war for my own heart, that it may not become hardened or
bitter. I seek His counsel to guide my children...I ask my loving Father
to do all these things for them as well. I still pray for their father...and
ask Him to send people that will speak life into him...that he too, would be
compelled to find a War Room to war for his heart and know his identity as a
son to a Loving Father. I have the spirit of a warrior. So I still fight,
but it looks incredibly different since my Great Awakening.
I do not believe in the power of prayer… I
believe in the power of the One to Whom I pray.
Papa God, may I learn, deeper still, to trust
more in Your identity than Your activity.
